An Imperfect Meditator

This has been a very busy Spring. Work and volunteer commitments took me away from meditation. When life got busy for me, I dropped formal meditation from my schedule. Interestingly enough, I chose to eat sweets late at night to combat my feelings of exhaustion and being overwhelmed. I ate my cookies with the full knowledge that my sweet tooth acts up when feeling overwhelmed.

As a result of my lack of meditation and late night snacks, some pants don’t fit and my negative thinking returned. Ahhh, the comfort of an old enemy. It is like returning to an old boyfriend who was not very nice but was very predictable.  My negative thinking (and anxiety that joins it) did not return right away. I was in the groove of changing the world and improving Early Childhood Practices (my work), meeting deadlines and kicking some butt! Once the adrenaline of deadlines passed, I was left with the rest of work and a feeling of flatness – that feeling of being uninspired but having to continue to push through. The flat feeling led to negative thinking. resentment grew toward several people in my life and to myself. A few pairs of pants did not fit and my “yoga” pants (leggings of this generation – pants for comfort) were rather tight. That added to my dislike of myself.

Enough of the pit (just needed to show where my journey went these past weeks!) – how do I get out?  I met with my spiritual advisor. Do you have a spiritual advisor? It is someone whose life and spirituality reflect your values and goals. Spiritual advisors are not required to have special clothes or be affiliated with a religious body. My spiritual advisor is a wonderful imperfect person such as myself but she keeps me on the beam. She helps me find peace within my life. Together, we set some goals around using prayer and meditation to understand peace in my life.

Goals I am working toward:

• identify short times for silent meditation throughout my day,
• take time to care for myself (I have a hard time eating breakfast!),
• writing about my process. The writing helps me stay accountable and I only do when inspired. There have been many inspirational things happening.

Thank you for a part of my journey back to feeling good.

Inspiration from a friend

I tend to look for inspiration  in big events. I know families who have been through major stuff and I am inspired to find the beauty in my goofy family. I read an obituary several years ago about a woman who looked at her life as a mosaic. I tend to look at life as more of a balance sheet so her perspective inspired me to look at my life differently. “Life as a mosaic” inspired me to look at the quality of the pieces of my life. I love my busy life and I want to fill it with quality relationships and actions that are in line with my values.

My inspiration this week came from very close to home and a simple action. My good friend got a new job and left a small business that she developed and grew for many years.  She walked away from something that no longer fit her life. Difficult but simple actions. I too am a small business owner and understand the stresses of looking for business, delivering a quality product,  balancing the books, and emptying the trash. Leaving her business was not the actual inspiration, but her blog just got a new surge of energy! I knew that one of her goals was to do more writing. She made some tough choices and now she is writing more! Wow, the universe gives us just we are looking for.  She inspired me to make time to write and here I am!

What is inspiring you and what are the actions/inactions you are taking?

Mindful but having a hard day

A part of mindful living for me is welcoming all of my emotions. By welcoming all emotions (the good one and the bad ones), I stay in the moment and don’t have to relive events. I, of course, only choose relive negative events so I can feel bad. Why do I make those choices? Good stuff happens to me all the time but I let the bad stuff get stuck in my head! Back to my day and practicing mindfulness…

Anyway, I got scolded today by a peer. Ugh! It hurt for about an hour and was hard to shake. I was at my son’s preschool so there were many opportunities to be distracted. Try as I might, I could not get rid of the bad feeling. While I was on handwashing duty, I shook off my bad feelings. Literally, I shook my hands, arms, and shoulders. I blew air out of my mouth and shook out my lips. It worked! I left my bad feeling in the bathroom.

Now why did it hurt so much? During my morning, I had a few seconds to feel it and see what was happening. (I have been doing this for many years and can figure out my issues pretty quickly.) I have a lot of stuff going on in my life: a small business, several volunteer assignments, active in my spiritual community through mentorship, mother, and wife. I have been acutely aware of some of the details of my “assignments” that I have not given full attention. The interaction (aka scolding) highlighted some of those details that I have been neglecting. Once I realized the bigger issue, I understood why it hurt so much. In this case, an apology and some cash solved the problem. I have let the pain go but will hold on to the lesson. I will take action and address the other details I have been ignoring.

Silence

“Listening to the silence immediately create silence inside you”  by Eckhart Tolle 

 

I had to restart my day this morning. I started the day with a rush and an adrenaline surge because it  had snowed during the night and I was dying to find out if we had a two-hour delay  over an inch of snow! We did not have a two-hour delay this morning went as usual… a very brisk pace and I just moving with my with my adrenaline rush.  

After dropping the kids off at daycare and school I came back home to restart my day.I used to enjoy that feeling of adrenaline – that surge to say I can do anything! But now  I much prefer that feeling of peace and a knowing that I can do anything. I came back home with my breakfast in my bag, sat at the table,  opened up  my breakfast ( egg sandwich with salsa) and sat down to enjoy a silent meal . I don’t often have silent meals because I have two children and a husband, two TV’s two computers and other stuff that impacts my silence.  This opportunity to slow down was truly a gift.

Just say no

Nancy Reagan said it best in the 80′s: Just say no!

I already knew that the next few months were busy. In reality, January has been very busy! I committed to myself to decline everything until March. I failed last week and succeeded last week. I committed to a new training with a new group. As a trainer, I want to stay in their mind so they will call me regularly. I know, a small business owner will work anytime!

Earlier today, I was successful in my commitment to say no. A networking group is restarting and asked me about rejoining. From a business perspective, I was a part of this group for the last three years and have never gotten any paid work due to referrals from this group. From a relationship perspective, I like the women in the group. As the group was reforming, it was time for me to make a clean break. However, I like groups, people, and meetings (of any sort) and I was not sure that when asked, I would say no. I did it! I said “No thank you” to the moderator of the group.

How does this relate to mindfulness? I am aware of my current limits. I am also aware of my love of busi-ness - the busier I am, the more worthy I am of praise, love, etc… I see my limits very clearly like a nice picket fence around my life. I can see what else is out there but I will stay in my personal yard for balance. A few years ago, I greedily grabbed at work and groups. Then I hit a bottom with my feelings of inadequacy because I could not get all of the work done or give it the attention that it deserved.

I am buoyed by my small success. Maybe I can say no tomorrow as well!

February will take care of itself

I am a planner. I verge on obsessive.  My Google calendar has 8 different layers to it. Because of meditation and mindfulness, my planning issue has lessened.

For my work, I evaluate, coach and train educators. I schedule observations and evaluations according to my other activities and my family schedule. I have a very busy winter and I used to get very stressed about planning work and then having to change it due to weather or illness.  Here is the kicker: it is about to snow in DC and I am booked solid for the rest of January – not much room for changes! This is the new part: last night, as I looked at February, I had a sense of calm. February will take care of itself. The natural ripples and changes in life will be followed by more ripples and changes in life. It is okay. This is my version of “going with the flow”.

This may seem little to someone else, but I am lefting go of a favorite character defect/atribute (depending on the day!) Without daily practice of mindfulness and meditation, I would not have this sense of calm. Ahhh. Cup of tea anyone?

Power of Intentions

I do not believe in resolutions. I believe in amending behavior that causes me (or others, but mostly me) pain at any point in the year. For the past two years, I have made very focused intentions for each year. With the Winter Solstice, I celebrated the new Earth year and set some intentions. Here is where I struggled: knowing the power of intention, what will I do. Do I want a work intention, personal life, spiritual, etc.? I let the idea percolate for a while. Yesterday, while cleaning up my home office (my mind and my office tend to clutter!) I realized that my intention for 2011 is simple: I want to support my daily meditation practice.

This sounds simple but life can get in my way. I have a husband and two young boys who currently attend elementary school and preschool. The boys are smart, wonderful children who can drive me crazy. I have a small business that seemed to be in neutral this fall but has kicked into gear since the start of December. I am an active member of the PTA – taking on the presidency for next year. I am an active member of a 12 step program. Funny, all the things that get in my way are the same reason why I must make a commitment to my meditation practice.  With meditation, I am more relaxed with everything that I do while being more focused and more efficient (I love efficiency!).

We will take this journey together! Part of that intention is to write on this blog weekly. I get many ideas but I am not always in a place to write. I now have WordPress on my phone and I have a digital recorder for car ideas! I like to have tools in order to be successful, otherwise, I will use my lack of tools as a reason to procrastinate! Must go and write my intention out on a sticky note (my tradition!).

I bow to you.

Belated posting

Time has passed without a post and I missed it. Travel and a cold took my attention. I had my tools of meditation but without my routines I was spent. Anxieties and worries returned. I struggled to remain peaceful. I did okay but there is an easier way. Daily meditation in the practice of Thic Nhat Han and me teacher Ruth Fishel.

My intention is to write weekly. My intentions are powerful.

Lessons learned from cleanse

I am a planner. This week I met my match. I attempted to plan my foods according to a cleanse (for me: no meat, no wheat, no sugar, no dairy, limit caffeine, no junk food or bad stuff). While I am not the kind of person who eats like crazy everyday, planning my food choices was a challenge. The weekend was fine, with the exception that all my boys were in my space but food was planned. Monday, not bad. By Tuesday, the week looked bleak. I was about to hit the busiest 4 days I have had all fall! I decided to bring meat based proteins back to the table – eggs, ham and even roast beef entered my life! I was able to make good choices overall, whether on the road or at home.

Today, I breathe a sigh of relief. My task list for the week was finished as of 10:05AM with a quick trip to FedEx. I missed a deadline this week for a fundraiser I am chairing. After 2 days of stressing about it, I decided that FedEx was a power greater than myself and I would turn over the package to them. Back on schedule! I shook off the stress – go impermanence!

I love to plan. My morning meditation wander into planning all the time (“Back to the breath” says Ruth). I could not plan my time, my family’s stuff, and the food. There are only so many things that I can micromanage and this week I found my limit. I did get to meditate each day and often read, Peace in Our Hearts, Peace in Our World by Ruth Fishel. I did feel stressed out and I thought I was letting down my spiritual side by getting so stressed and overwhelmed. It is okay. I came back to the breath. I decided not to beat myself up for experiencing so many emotions. I was present for all of my responsibilities.

This moment, my mind is still. Glory to all deities!

Posting from tae kwon do

You never know when inspiration will hit. While do some pen writing on paper, I changed my thinking (yeah impermance!). I changed my about my work/volunteer imbalance. I am grateful to spend time supporting my sons’ schools. Ahhh. Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems.